Anxiety is panic attacks, not being able to breathe but not always.

I’m so thankful people are becoming more open about mental health. I don’t believe I would have realized I had actual anxiety if it wasn’t for TikTok. Crazy right?

I just always thought I had to have these physical problems to have anxiety. But it can also be a plethora of other things.

This past year and a half has been a year. On Christmas Eve of 2020 my amazing husband proposed. I was over the moon. Especially since a week before that we announced we were pregnant! My story was happening and I couldn’t imagine a better person than my soulmate.

As Christmas Eve went on I couldn’t eat and was feeling very nauseous. Later that evening I was at my grandmas house for Christmas and I am in this pain. I go to the house and try and lye down to get it to go away. It’s not — it’s worse, I am in a panic thinking I am miscarrying. I am loosing my baby. I call my husband into the house from the garage. It was the longest drive ever home and then to my hospital.

We had to go home first COVID was so strong and hospitals were shut down. What am I going to do with Paizlee? My mom rushes over and watches her and plays Santa for us. We get to the hospital — where I must go in ALONE! Jerrett stayed in the parking lot all night while I was in the ER. The not knowing for him because I was in so much pain and finally got some relief I was resting — but not answering him.

Finally — we have answers. I have had a cyst that ruptured. I had to be admitted to the hospital because surgery was necessary. Thank goodness they admitted me to labor and delivery and Jerrett could join me after spending 10 hours in the parking lot.

I had to okay surgery, knowing the risks. Knowing I could loose my baby that I had wanted so bad with this man that I love so much. Being only 6 weeks pregnant and undergoing surgery the risks were high. But we went ahead for the surgery. Had to remove cyst and my ovary.

Surgery went well — now we wait. We wait to see if our baby is okay. We wait to see if the cyst was cancerous. That wait was forever — or at least it felt like it. Baby was okay but we weren’t out of the woods yet. Momma had to take it easy and be careful.

Results — my cyst is precancerous. The cyst that burst and was all over my uterus had cancerous cells in it. They could turn into full blown cancer at any moment, any time.

I still wanted our baby. We decided to carry to full term. We are so thankful we were able to carry to full term. The surgery scars were so painful as Miss Penelope grew in my belly.

Decisions — we had to make a decision. A life altering decision. What are we going to do after I deliver. Are we going to try for one more baby? I wanted a little boy Jerrett so bad. Once Penelope was born I knew, we knew what had to be done. Penelope completed our family, our baby girl was perfect. It didn’t matter if we had a boy or not. I had my soulmates baby — I got to experience the best feeling ever being so loved during my pregnancy.

We have come to terms with what we have to do. But what about others — what about when they ask are you having another baby? This question gets me every time I just want to cry. They ask if we are having more, giving the girls a brother, having a big family. My heart shatters that I couldn’t do that — I couldn’t give my girls a brother, I couldn’t give my husband a son.

We decided on a full hysterectomy. Remove everything. No more kids. Early menopause. Estrogen medicine. Depression, anxiety — my young body was in so much shock. I could barely get out of bed. I am ever so thankful for my doctors, my husband and my mom.

After surgery — we must do a 6 week follow up, then every 3 months and then every 6 months. Checking levels, exams, ultrasounds. The reality really kicks in on how serious this is. I could still get cancer — but we pray that being proactive makes it so we don’t have to be reactive.