Imperfect Mom

This imaginary line has always been tiptoed on. Even crossed. No one will listen. DCS just thinks it’s an EX wife calling on an ex husband.

Wake up. Look. Listen. They are narcissistic they are talking their way out of it.

When is enough enough?

Obviously it wasn’t when adults are laying hands on each other in front of kids. Or she is so scared to fall asleep.

To scared to wake them up when she is so sick she can’t sleep. She doesn’t want to get in trouble.

Why isn’t this enough?!

When she is still awake at 1 – 2 – 3 in the morning. Because she is denied access to a fan. Denied access to a sound machine.

When is it enough.

Oh wait it still isn’t enough when she is choked — left with bruises around her neck. That STILL isn’t enough.

When she comes home so hungry she is puking because she is starving and wasn’t given any food all day.

When is it enough?

When do we stop with the trauma. When will the love I give not be enough to overshadow the trauma.

Why hasn’t it been enough?

I am 27. I am also in menopause. Yup you read that right. Surgical menopause.

This has seriously been the toughest year of my life. Going through menopause is hard for anyone but going through menopause at the young age of 27 is so much more. The feeling of alone.

When I had to make the decision of a full hysterectomy it was an easy decision. I knew I needed to be here for my girls. Hearing the words cancer from my Dr. I knew I needed to get rid of it all. So that is what I did.

BUT,

I didn’t expect all of this. I didn’t expect to never ever feel like myself again. When they took my ovaries, tubes and uterus they took part of me. I lost myself.

•fatigue •anger •inability to concentrate •migraines •hormonal imbalances •insomnia •anxiety •depression •mood swings

I have had more anxiety and mood swings than I ever imagined possible. One second I will be fine — the next I can be crying or yelling and upset. For no reason. I can’t even explain it.

Some days my concentration levels are so low I can’t even concentrate to type out a sentence in a text message.

The smallest inconveniences feel like the end of the world. I can no longer problem solve, being a mom and going through menopause is so damn hard.

This has been so hard.

I am 27 and in surgical menopause and struggling to stay afloat

The feeling of isolation. Isolation from my own family. From my friends. From the public.

The feeling of being alone. I try to keep my distance from people and places. Go places when they won’t be busy. When I know it will be okay.

Decline offers even when I want to go. Or don’t even have to decline because I never ever get the offers any more.

I know she is a lot. But she also has a big heart. She also has a kind soul. When we are any place but our own home I can’t relax, my anxiety is high. My stress level is through the roof.

I know others are judging. Others are thinking I should parent better. Others think I should beat her butt. They think I should scream and yell.

Believe me I have thought everything you have thought and more. I think on a daily I am failing her. Times have been really hard!

Did you know, that it is a piece of cake to get into therapy if you have Medicaid but you have a million hoops to jump thru if you are private insurance? We have been trying since JULY! For two different kinds!

We did a DNA compatibility swab for meds. Therefore we had to wean off one medicine, then wean her onto one medicine. This started 2 months ago.. 2 very long months of her not feeling like herself, acting out more than normal.

Having fits. Kicking, screaming. Throwing stuff. Kicking my car window. Then having anxiety attacks and passing out on me. Yes I feel like I am failing. I am just praying we have a light at the end of this tunnel

I am drowning. Right now I can barely feel like I am breathing. My anxiety is the worst it has ever been. I am having panic attacks for the very first time in my life.

These times are so hard. I know my husband is right where I am. We just need to refresh. Recoup. But when. So much needs done. The house is picked up enough. The laundry is clean. The laundry is a mountain. We are in survival mode.

When was the last time we were able to “see” each other. When were we able to have a kid free conversation.

I remember going to my grandparents as a child for a whole weekend — heck even a whole week! Having the time of my life! Time is not the same. We can barely get a few hours out most nights. Makes my heart hurt for my girls. For the memories — that are unmade.

Looking forward to my next kid free focused conversation with my husband 🫶🏻

With childhood ADHD you never know what attitude you are going to be getting.

What attitude am I going to get when I wake my daughter up? Am I going to get my happy loving sweet caring daughter? My angry, hangry, grumpy daughter? Every time I wake her up it can be so different with so many different variables. You just never know.

All day at school she is normally great — usually a little chatty. But hey what girl isn’t? BUT if we are home or out and about during the day. Where is that girl? I don’t get that same attitude. She tries and sabotages anything we are doing. Anyhow, anyway.

Homework. I. Hate. You. An everyday struggle. We barely get you done. No matter when we try to accomplish you. We can try right after school. We try on the way home. We try when we get home. It never works! Again I hate you homework. No matter how simple the task. It will always take us twice as long.

Moms. Dads. I see you. The amount of times I have cried — had panic attacks — wanted to give up — all while trying to switch her medicine has been more than I can count. I am so so thankful for my support system. Without them I’d still be stuck in my bed.

Paizlee just know I am trying. I love you