Imperfect Mom

Things have been hard. Things have been really hard to say the least lately. We have seen the good, the bad, the ugly of parenting.

As everyone knows she has ADHD and anxiety. Well this week she was also diagnosed with ODD. Our pediatrician has been amazing. She told us that this goes hand n hand a lot of the times with ADHD.

While I was filling out the questionnaire I was feeling so guilty because I was feeling relief. I was getting answers. I wasn’t alone. I was getting answers on why she had been acting the way she has been. We are going to be getting help. My girl won’t be feeling like this for much longer. I will be able to help her.

Nothing breaks your heart more than know your child who is always so loving and kind to myself, her sissy, her daddy Jerrett is having these episodes where she is not. Where she is so mean and hitting me, being defiant, and nothing can change how she is thinking. I could say the sky is blue and she would say no it’s not it’s light blue. Nothing I said was right, and she would never do what I said. I was ready to pull my hair out.

I am hopeful this medicine combination works. I am ready for a school schedule to get her back into a routine. To get her into the structure she needs.

Through all of this I love this girl so much. She is so resilient. After all of this, at the end of the day she still wants mommy snuggles and wants mommy to put her to bed.

The worst part is seeing how she is treated so different. Not only by outsiders but by our own family. It kills me inside. I cry for my daughter. She is smart. She sees it, she knows. People don’t want her to play with their kids. People don’t want her to spend the night. They always cancel plans. People treat her like crap when she is around but she just wants their attention so she deals with it. She just wants to be their friend or their family member.

But it’s okay baby girl. Mommy and daddy Jerrett got you. You are always safe to be you in our home. We love you. We promise to always stand up for you. We promise to always fight for you. We promise to always get you to feeling yourself. Keep being your unique self 🫶🏻

I thought this was normal. Until I learned that not everyone does it. That it is part of having anxiety.

I worry about things that will most likely never even happen. The fear of things that may happen. It is sometimes debilitating — keeps me up at night. Sometimes I find myself just worry about the stuff when it’s quiet — even just in the shower, I don’t even enjoy that quiet it brings up fears.

The fear of loosing my spouse, loosing my children— and not just loosing them very specific crazy scenarios.

Thinking and worrying about this stuff stressed me out so much! I was worrying about all these what ifs… on top of all the actual.

Life is stressful — bills suck. It always feels like we can never get ahead. 1 step forward 2 steps back. It’s not fair.

But hey — we have a roof over our head, food in our bellies and each other! The amount of love in our household is worth more than any amount of money.

The kinda love from my husband is the kind that melts it all away. I would rather be broke in money and rich in love. With him I can endure anything!

Anxiety is panic attacks, not being able to breathe but not always.

I’m so thankful people are becoming more open about mental health. I don’t believe I would have realized I had actual anxiety if it wasn’t for TikTok. Crazy right?

I just always thought I had to have these physical problems to have anxiety. But it can also be a plethora of other things.

This past year and a half has been a year. On Christmas Eve of 2020 my amazing husband proposed. I was over the moon. Especially since a week before that we announced we were pregnant! My story was happening and I couldn’t imagine a better person than my soulmate.

As Christmas Eve went on I couldn’t eat and was feeling very nauseous. Later that evening I was at my grandmas house for Christmas and I am in this pain. I go to the house and try and lye down to get it to go away. It’s not — it’s worse, I am in a panic thinking I am miscarrying. I am loosing my baby. I call my husband into the house from the garage. It was the longest drive ever home and then to my hospital.

We had to go home first COVID was so strong and hospitals were shut down. What am I going to do with Paizlee? My mom rushes over and watches her and plays Santa for us. We get to the hospital — where I must go in ALONE! Jerrett stayed in the parking lot all night while I was in the ER. The not knowing for him because I was in so much pain and finally got some relief I was resting — but not answering him.

Finally — we have answers. I have had a cyst that ruptured. I had to be admitted to the hospital because surgery was necessary. Thank goodness they admitted me to labor and delivery and Jerrett could join me after spending 10 hours in the parking lot.

I had to okay surgery, knowing the risks. Knowing I could loose my baby that I had wanted so bad with this man that I love so much. Being only 6 weeks pregnant and undergoing surgery the risks were high. But we went ahead for the surgery. Had to remove cyst and my ovary.

Surgery went well — now we wait. We wait to see if our baby is okay. We wait to see if the cyst was cancerous. That wait was forever — or at least it felt like it. Baby was okay but we weren’t out of the woods yet. Momma had to take it easy and be careful.

Results — my cyst is precancerous. The cyst that burst and was all over my uterus had cancerous cells in it. They could turn into full blown cancer at any moment, any time.

I still wanted our baby. We decided to carry to full term. We are so thankful we were able to carry to full term. The surgery scars were so painful as Miss Penelope grew in my belly.

Decisions — we had to make a decision. A life altering decision. What are we going to do after I deliver. Are we going to try for one more baby? I wanted a little boy Jerrett so bad. Once Penelope was born I knew, we knew what had to be done. Penelope completed our family, our baby girl was perfect. It didn’t matter if we had a boy or not. I had my soulmates baby — I got to experience the best feeling ever being so loved during my pregnancy.

We have come to terms with what we have to do. But what about others — what about when they ask are you having another baby? This question gets me every time I just want to cry. They ask if we are having more, giving the girls a brother, having a big family. My heart shatters that I couldn’t do that — I couldn’t give my girls a brother, I couldn’t give my husband a son.

We decided on a full hysterectomy. Remove everything. No more kids. Early menopause. Estrogen medicine. Depression, anxiety — my young body was in so much shock. I could barely get out of bed. I am ever so thankful for my doctors, my husband and my mom.

After surgery — we must do a 6 week follow up, then every 3 months and then every 6 months. Checking levels, exams, ultrasounds. The reality really kicks in on how serious this is. I could still get cancer — but we pray that being proactive makes it so we don’t have to be reactive.

I sometimes feel like I am stuck in a loop of doing the same thing. Just going through the motions of life and not truly living. It is so easy to get stuck in this loop, and to feel like everyday is Deja vu.

Wake up. We rush, we rush every morning just to get out the house. To school, daycare and work. Just coinciding with everyone in the house not getting to enjoy any of those moments together because we have places to be. Kids have to get to daycare and school so mom can get off to work. Dad is rushing to work.

Work. We spend most of our time working — more of my time is spent in my office than at home it feels. I work 7:30-4, thankfully the same schedule as my kids but by the time we get home we rush. Rush is going to be a word that comes up a lot.

Drive. We all have a drive time. I take the girls — 20 minutes to get to daycare. I hurry drop off my little. Then 10 more minutes to get to school to drop off my big girl, then I am off —off to work I go! Then on the way home I feel I need that drive to decompress from my day. But I have kids in the background still needing me, sometimes crying, screaming, hungry — I feel so overstimulated. It isn’t their fault I had a long day at work but sometimes they get the brunt. I wish I had more energy to not just go through the motions at this point in my day.

Arrive home. We usually have sports — man does my girl love sports. I love watching her and seeing her thrive in her happy place. But sports is taking away from that time I crave at home with my littles. Then we have the process of homework, baths, showers, dinner, laundry. But all I want to do is sit down and snuggle my girls.

Time. Time goes so fast. I feel my day doesn’t have enough time in it. We don’t get home until 4:30. That is only 3 hours before bedtime. When my girls are tired. How are we supposed to get everything done? In just 3 hours we are expected to do homework, sports, dinner, house chores and love on our babies. How? Let’s not even get started on homework — how it is a fight after they have been in school for 7 hours. Her brain is tired, her brain is hungry, her brain wants to be a kid, her brain doesn’t want to focus on another school assignment

After my kids go to bed I just feel ready for bed. But what about moms time, time with spouses, cleaning, decompressing. Let’s not forget about exercising. It just feels overwhelming thinking about everything that needs done in one day.

Then we go to bed just to do it all over again. But it feels like no matter how much preparation or cleaning I can do it is never enough. It never stays done. I see these moms who are so patient, full of joy, who don’t wanna snap at the smallest things. I want to be that mom so bad. I want to be her calm in her storm. I want to be patient and kind everyday no matter what. But I am the mom who is touched out, overwhelmed, exhausted and full of anxiety.