Imperfect Mom

Can I start out and just say I miss you. But also I don’t even think my brain has wrapped around your death even a slither.

How is that even possible? The last time I talked to you was 8 months ago almost. How is it that I am still expecting you to return from a vacation or come surprise my girls. Why do I still not believe you are gone… that you are gone forever.

So much has happened in these 8 months. I had my first birthday without you. I did hear “speech, speech, speech” after Happy Birthday was sang. I didn’t get the cake you always brought for us.

A week later we had Paizlee’s birthday, we saved a special seat for her Papaw. A seat you will always have. Meme was snowed in with us on her actual birthday. Paizlee was happy to share her bed.

March we didn’t make it on that special spring break trip that we were supposed to go on. You know the one where you Meme and Paizlee were flying. The rest of us had to drive with all of her and Nelly’s things.

Shortly later in April we celebrated moms birthday. That was hard. You always made her birthdays so special. How could I do her birthday when the only thing she wanted I couldn’t give her—you. I couldn’t fix this. I did the best I could. I got her the special roses. Even decorated up her birthday dinner.

End of April we started a soccer season and softball with out. This was personally of my hardest. You were missing. You were always there no matter what, no matter how you felt. You made my Paizlee feel so special. You would have been so proud of her. She put the hustle on in soccer. Then had so much growth this year in softball. She found her spot. She did so awesome at catcher. They even won the tournament. I can just hear your voice cheering her on.

Penelope turned one. We had her birthday. It’s so hard that a year ago you were here. You were okay. Paiz and mom took you to your appointment while I was in labor and delivery. You and Paiz hung out in your bed. Even when you weren’t feeling well she still wanted to hang out with you on your bed.

I am so sad that you didn’t get to see Nelly at this fun stage. You loved her so hard in the short time. But you would have danced and played with her and that was taken.

We just started another school year. Paizlee is in 2nd grade already, can you believe? I am in year 5 at NW! Maeci is about to start her senior year of college you’d be so freaking proud of her! Her grades were amazing and now she is killing it at her job!

Paizlee had her first tooth pulled tooth. But you already knew that. I was talking to you on the way. And as soon as I started I passed a car with an OSU plate. You were with me. I needed that.

I haven’t let myself miss you, grieve you. Feel this. I have been trying so hard to be strong for mom to hold her up. To be strong to Paizlee this has been so hard on her. To be strong for my siblings. To be strong for my husband. But I can’t anymore.

I miss you. I need you to hold them strong for me. Because I need to miss you now. I love you.

Thank you for loving me from day one. It’s not fair that the only other parent relationship I had besides mom was taken from me. You know the one where I got to be the child. I didn’t have to always reach out. You knew, you knew about my life. When to reach out. To talk to me. I miss you. As you said the last time we talked. I will see you again. Keep that space for my family.

We love you always.

Paizlee 🫶🏻

• It has been a rough month. Not only for mom and dad but for you too. I can’t imagine what it’s like inside your brain. Some of the ways you think blows my mind — I truly would have never thought of it that way, or thought to complete the problem that way —

• Today we had a one month med check after being diagnosed with ODD along with her ADHD. We started a med that we felt made things worse. It was a very tough month. We are doing a genetic DNA swab to see what meds she is compatible with and ones she needs to stay away from. We have high hopes this will get us on the right path and we will have our one of kind beautiful fun spirited girl back.

• I see her in there — she is wanting to shine thru. Tonight as I was putting her to bed she said “Hey mom do you know that you and Jerrett are the most perfect mom and dad in the whole world.” 🥺 I needed those words. She then started to tell me that it was okay her laundry wasn’t put away because I have been busy with things like, “feeding them, cleaning the house, making food, going to work, paying bills, driving them to all their appointments, making them listen, getting them to become good girls, keeping them clean, making them smart, and keeping them healthy.”

HOW? How did these words just come from my SEVEN year old?!!

Being a mom is hard enough. Add on top of it being a mom to someone with ADHD and ODD it feels near impossible.

I lost it today. No not yelling. No screaming. Didn’t spank. So how did I loose it? Yup started bawling in the Wendy’s drive thru.

I’m tired. I don’t know how to make her better. I don’t know how to make these situations better. I feel like I keep getting further and further away from it getting better.

So many don’t see her diagnosis as a disability. But some days it is debilitating. Today was one of those days. The smallest things set her off. I never know when the bomb is going to go off.

Today am I going to get to enjoy the day with my sweet Paizlee? The Paizlee that I dreamed about as a little girl. The little girl every mom dreams about. OR am I going to get stuff thrown at me, hit, kicked, screamed at, yelled at.

I feel so guilty — because I know she has to feel terrible inside her head. Right? But I can’t help but think about the future. We always dream about the athlete they will be, the A/B student, the kind person, good and honest person. And I feel like I am failing at raising mine.

I don’t want to go places because I feel they can’t handle her because she is “to much”. Or I don’t want her to go do something because she is “to much”. I don’t want her to ask to hang out with someone, go to someone’s house, realize she wasn’t invited because she is “to much”

I just hope one day I can get it right for you baby girl. I love you.

As a people pleaser conflict is something I try to avoid at all cost. Conflict is something that I get anxiety about. Something I worry constantly about.

I will take the hit and not say a word. I will cry about it. Vent about it to my husband and still not say anything. No matter who it is or no matter how much they hurt me. It is so hard.

I just shut down. I stop arguing. I don’t want to say anything that will hurt anyone. I don’t want conflict or argument.

I wish I had the courage that I give others. The advice that I give them. To stand up for themselves — to not let others walk all over them. I wish I would do that for myself.

But I am so worried. Worried that, that one person isn’t going to like me anymore. Because being that “big” friend, “big” family member, “big” coworker I could be wrote of so easily. Because the way people treat and talk about us bigger people. It sucks that people treat us or think our worth is because our size.

So hopefully I will continue to get better about standing up for myself.

This year I have been finding ME. The real me — no matter what the scale says. Yes I have rough days and get bummed about the scale. But I am so happy.

I am proud of my body. My body has carried the most beautiful two girls. Birthed two precious babies. Kept me safe from uterus cancer. Went thru a full hysterectomy. And I am still thriving!

The amount of confidence I have gained in 2022 is beyond words!

My new goal is to continue to stand up for myself. To let others know when my feelings have been hurt. And to not behind the conflict

Not very often do I focus on myself. Who am I kidding. Usually I am the last person I am to focus on. I worry about everyone else’s needs before my own no matter what.

After this past year and having a cancer scare I have been changing that. I have been finding my voice if you’d like to say. I have been standing up for myself. Scary but empowering.

The hardest thing I am still working on is saying “no”. I have the hardest time saying no. I feel so guilty saying no. Even to the people who use me as a 2nd or even a 5th choice as there’s. I’m not a priority in their life so why should I make them a priority in my life.

In this past year life has become so clear on who is truly here for my family and who is not. Who would drop everything if we needed them — not only would they drop everything for us but they know that we would return the favor. That’s how it should be. And for that they are getting to love and cherish my beautiful family.

They have seen Penelope’s beautiful smile. Her tender soul. Her kind personality. Her loud scream. They are knowing Paizlee beats to her own drum. But she is the sweetest girl when you get past the walls she has built up. She is growing into the beautiful young lady that can do absolutely anything she puts her mind to — hunting, fishing, traps, soccer, softball (catching, riding her bike, being the best big sister, playing basketball & volleyball in the backyard).

I am so blessed with the sisters I have gained when I married Jerrett. Not only do they love and adore Penelope. They love and play with Paizlee. They are such amazing Aunties ❤️

My two besties have been my rocks thru this past year. Along with my husband he has pulled me out of the dungeon when I didn’t know I needed pulling.

Knowing talks about how hard a hysterectomy is on your body especially when you get it done at the young age of 27. I felt like I was living outside of my body. I was going thru these motions but I wasn’t living. I was having panic attacks, I was so depressed. I am so thankful for my Drs who listened to me. And so thankful we go the cancerous cells out!

I am also thankful this taught me life is short. Life is tough and I only have time for those who make time for me on a regular basis 🫶🏻